Something I have never got around to doing is writing out my birth stories about each of the kids so I thought I might do a little My Pregnancy Story series. Each story will be in three parts; The Test, The Nine Month Tale and finally, The Birth Day. Starting off with Part 1 – Miss Lily, a story that is already a decade old! How did that happen! Enjoy…xx
The day I took my first pregnancy test I knew already that I was nine weeks pregnant. Knowing it in your gut is one thing and it’s even easy enough to gloss over it and store it in a worry pocket at the back of your mind until you just can’t anymore.
Actually seeing the positive result and saying the words out loud is entirely different.
Finding out it really is true is like someone opening the door on a reasonably calm and sunny day and a hurricane lashes through, knocking you off your feet and the wind right out of your sails.
When I bought my test I also bought shampoo, conditioner, cotton buds, face wipes and bubble bath. I needed none of those. I bought them because it made my visit to Boots Pharmacy much less of an intense experience. It was like I was popping in gaily after work for a few bits and pieces…Oh and yeah, I might be pregnant, isn’t that wild? I’m totally going to just wash my hair first and chill in a bubble bath though because it’s all not a big deal whatsoever.
I took the test in my mothers bathroom. Her apartment offered a nice space, quiet and a little remote. It was somewhere I’d be able to pace myself and get my nerve up. I did run the bubble bath. It was a good excuse to spend an extended amount of time in the loo without question. I had been drinking water for the past hour making sure I was ready to pee in that stick!
The nerves. Wow. It’s like standing on a cliff edge about to bungee jump. In the following few minutes you know the world is about to spin on its axis, everything that was once normal everyday stuff will come rushing at your face at speed and your tummy is about to flip inside out and upside down…. Yes, in your heart you already know it’s happening but that doesn’t make it easier to face in facts.
My bath was ready, smells of lavender still strong in my memory. I was physically ready, I’d drank all that water, I was bursting to go!
I kept stalling; Argh…I need to go but I’m freaked out about that test yet no way was I putting it off or wasting that wee! Those are the true thoughts I went over. Don’t waste that wee!
Anyhow, I sat and I went and I watched that test as I did it and even before I had finished, it showed up that undeniable positive result.
I let out a breath.
I was still freaked out but I think I felt some relief.
The test was positive.
I had no real worries about this new situation. There was never ever going to be any questions over what to do about it. Yes, I was bricking it about telling my mother. Yes, Shane and I would need to seriously wake up now and get our act together financially. Yes, I would immediately want to move out of the old farm-house we rented because it turns out motherly instincts are immediate and I was not having a baby in a place so old the pipes burst every Christmas and the carpets never ever looked clean. There were big and very grown up changes needed but I felt utterly secure in my relationship and in the knowledge that we’d be fine.
I have a memory of one of our Sunday drives when we were maybe two years or so dating. I couldn’t tell you where we were but I remember the stretch of road like it’s a photograph on my wall. We were talking and one of us said something about babies. I asked “God, what would we do if I got pregnant?” And in a heartbeat he told me exactly what we’d do.
“Well that’s easy. What we’d do is we’d become a family.”
So, I sat on the edge of the bath. I knew now I was part of a new family. My own little family. There was a tiny baby in my belly.
I put my feet in the bath and as I began to sink my body down into the water I sat suddenly and quickly back up onto the side again. This water is pretty hot. What if it harms the baby? Can you take hot baths while pregnant? Can you have lavender in the water?
I was a mother.
Instantly in that 30 seconds that it took for my test I had become a mother.
And already I was worrying and fretting over my baby!